The story starts with the Bay of Pigs. Do you know ’bout that bay? No? It’s in Cuba – big island south of Florida run by a feller named Castro. Fee-dell Castro. We hated that guy. Still do, madder’fack. We were all set ‘n ‘vana – gamblin’, women, wine and booze – we could go there an’ do all things we go to Las Vegas for now – ‘cept it was cheaper an’ the Latin women were better. Beautiful an’ eager. Hardly any clap. An’ the money! Mafia types and their hangers on all over makin’ tons of it. Then Feedell comes ‘long like some sort of righteous Jesus man and whips all th’ ‘mericans out of his temple. Honest. He thought he was better’n us. Just come in outta th’ hills and took over the place. Said he wasn’t gonna tol’rate all that sin in his Cuba – gonna clean th’ place up. That’s what he did. Anybody din’t like it – he threw ‘em in jail. That’s if you were lucky. An’ we hated him for it.
That all happened in ‘59. Rev’lution started on New Year’s, that’s a fack. Just drove those rats right outta th’ temple. Rightaway, the spooks start to figure how to get ridda th’ guy. You know – sabotage, paramilitaries, assassins, special ops – the gamut. Subversive shit everywhere. They want to kill ‘im or get somebody else to kill ‘im, or start a revolution or do anything to get that basturd. I mean, not only did he kick us out – he as a commie. That’s right – a low-down commie good fer nothin’ bastard. We had to kow tow to those commie assholes all over Europe, all over China, Korea, Indochina – hell we had to tip-toe ‘round ‘em in Berlin! Now we have a commie sittin’ in Havana! That’s like yer neighbor comin’ to take a shit in yer backyard! I tell you we were mad as fuckin’ hell. Did those commies spit on the Munro Doctrine or what?
So Feedell goes to his friends in Moss-cow an’ he says – you know what he says? – he says, “Those ‘mericans wanna get me. I needs’m guns an’ shit, to hold ‘em off. What can you give me, Nikeeta?” Nikeeta says, “How ‘bout somethin’ better’n guns? We’ll make those ‘mericans respect you.” Next thing you know we got ballistic missiles pointin’ at us! That’s aright – nucular warhead missiles pointed right at Miami and ev’ry other city right up the east coast. Think ’bout that for a minnit. That guy was a fuckin’ time bomb. Kruschev, too.
But runnin’ Castro off th’ range turned out harder than we thought. We wanted to get rid of ‘im, but make it look like someone else did it, don’t you see? We din’t want to get knicked for that one. No way. So we couldn’t send in the special forces pukes an’ shoot the place up. I mean, what are we, cowboys or sumthin’? Gotta problem? Send in the SEALs! We gotta be a little diss-creet ’bout this, an’ you know ‘mericans ain’t so good ’bout lyin’ low. They do better jus’ go in an’ shoot th’ place up.
So what happens? We plan this Bay of Pigs thing. We get these unhappy Cubans playin’ GI Joe, an’ ‘fore you know it we got some mean fuckin’ killers workin’ for us. They plan their own invasion with us – train ‘em up, give ‘em weapons, all kinds of logistics. We keep it all a big secret, like Feedell won’t find out what’s goin’ on. We tell those unhappy Cubans, “Look, you go in there, yer fellow Cubans in country will back you up. They don’t like Castro any more’n you do. They gonna back you up, and you cannot fail.”
“Yessirree, you gonna take that country back from Feedell, jus’ like he took it from you, and we gonna help you. That’s right – it’ll be a real counter-rev’lutionary rev’lution.”
Well no shit, that’s what we said to ‘em. Got ‘m rilied up so’s they actually make a landing at the Bay of Pigs – Baja de Cochinos – right where the CIA planned to put ‘em. Put ‘em in harm’s way, they did. ‘Cus you know what happened? Feedell’s army’s waitin’ right there – they jus’ cut ‘em to pieces. That’s right. Trapped ‘em in the swamps with all the skeeters ‘n gaters ‘n stuff, an’ jus’ cut ‘em to pieces. Caught ‘em all and kilt th’ rest. It was pitiful. Took ‘em jus’ three days. Three days an’ th’ whole op’ration was over.