Trump jokes we need to outsource our domestic surveillance to Russian intelligence, suggesting the FBI and other agencies are clearly not up to the job. Okay, he says it’s a joke. Watch him and judge for yourself.
What we ought to do is elect Vladimir Putin to the White House, and send Donald Trump over to the Kremlin. That would solve a lot of problems. The Republicans would get reunited right quickly. We wouldn’t have to listen to the blowhard so often. Edward Snowden could come back and live in the United States again. Trump could help the Turks, the Ukrainians and Syrians put their houses back in order, and probably build one of his phallic towers right in downtown Moscow. Putin could impress a brand new audience with his strongman capabilities, and leave his Russia-based enemies behind. Certainly Putin and Trump could admire each other more easily if they switched countries.
Let’s return to surveillance. If we want to keep better tabs on the likes of Clinton, Petraeus, and Obama, we had better wake up and figure out who knows how to do this job. Trump may love to show us his sarcastic streak, and fool us into thinking he’s serious, but who cares with him whether he’s sarcastic or not? He knows the FBI ruined former CIA Director Petraeus forever. He knows what Putin does to his enemies, and he admires it. He knows the double standard FBI Director Comey applies when Comey judges Hillary Clinton, compared to say, Thomas Drake. Trump knows all of those things. So why not encourage Putin to keep those email messages from Hillary’s private server, so he can reveal them when the time is right?
If we don’t elect Donald Trump to the White House, think of all the sarcasm we’re going to miss. Think of all the hacking expertise and intelligence apparatus that won’t be at our disposal if we don’t have the two bros, Trump and Putin, chatting on the phone every morning. Most of all, Trump’s the only one who knows how to nab Crooked Hillary and anyone else he wants to embarrass. Comey showed he can’t do it. So put the Russians on the case. Once we have the Russians monitoring our cabinet members and candidates for president, we can have them monitor Muslims, Mexicans, and malcontents of all stripes. At least the Russians don’t keep everything secret, the way the FBI and all our other domestic spooks do. Russian intelligence knows when to publish their scoops on Wikileaks.
The newly anointed Democratic candidate for president must feel great about this one. Just as Trump can’t keep his id under wraps for even a second, Hillary can’t keep her correspondence secure for the life of her. First the Russians hacked her email server while she was secretary of state, though we don’t know that for sure yet. Trump practically begs Moscow to let us in on their trove, which makes him an advocate of international cooperation, sort of like the space station, wouldn’t you say? I’m not sure why he hasn’t asked Beijing what they’ve got on Hillary, too. Hell, ask London’s Foreign Minister, too. The Brits are good at surveillance. In the end, though, the Russians are the best. We want to let them know we appreciate their help.
So let’s take stock of where we are in this extraordinary campaign, a contest between two highly likable people who joke around with us every day but Sunday. After the State Department email server debacle, we learn the Democratic National Committee, Hillary’s right-arm throughout the campaign, gets hacked by the same people! And she wants to be president! So we have a choice between a Democratic candidate who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of information security, and a Republican candidate who asks his friends over in Russian intelligence to help Washington monitor our government officials. We are blessed with two funny candidates and two political parties that cannot fulfill even the basic functions of a political party.
Most of all, we want to thank God the parties have found two candidates of exemplary stature to lead us. We would be blessed with either one of them in the White House.
That’s sarcasm. I don’t have to look into a camera to say that, or reassure reporters about what I mean. People who read my articles know it’s sarcasm, because they know what I think about Trump and Clinton. By contrast, we know what Trump thinks about Putin and the Russians. We know he admires them. When he looks dead serious, and encourages Russian intelligence to monitor Hillary Clinton, that’s not sarcasm.
If you thought the summer campaign had entered a somewhat boring phase, predictable during the conventions in Cleveland and Philadelphia, you now have a special treat in store. It’s only going to get better. We are three and a half months out from the general election, and Trump has already asked the Russians to help him with his opposition research. The FBI’s not going to tell us what it knows, so let’s ask some people who will. Trump even gestured to the press in front of him, and told the Russians how much our journalists would appreciate their help. If you have the correspondence Hillary says she deleted from her server, tell us about it! We want to know! When a democracy reaches the end of its road, you really don’t know what to expect.
Putin has to be smiling now, because when you have Donald Trump on your side, you are going places. I wonder if Putin thinks he’ll be able to domesticate the Donald after he’s in the White House? Which alpha male will rule? Even more importantly, what nickname will Trump choose for his buddy Vlad? I hope Trump likes vodka, and Putin likes Manhattans.